


cursed is the fool who's willing

by yutakittyzen



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Existential Crisis, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, M/M, Rain theme again, Renjun is sad, Sad Sad, Terminal Illness, Yaaaay, doieagenda's birthday gift, jeno best friend, markhyuck music majors, mature bc death, renhyuck, yangyang best friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:27:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27860781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yutakittyzen/pseuds/yutakittyzen
Summary: “You’re lucky,” Renjun turns his head to face Donghyuck too, a melancholic expression gracing his small face. “I sit in the rain to somehow bring me back the memories I know I’ll never get to have anymore. To somehow bring back all my best moments, to take back the things I know I regret doing.”“You say that as if the world is going to end at any moment.”“Hypothetically, Donghyuck, it could.”
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	cursed is the fool who's willing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [doieagenda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/doieagenda/gifts).



> Happy birthday to the one and only doieagenda!! You deserve the moon and the stars, I love you so much and I hope you like this fic!!
> 
> This story contains death and a mention of terminal illness so read at your own risk

Petrichor.

It’s one of Donghyuck’s most favorite scents in the world. The smell seemingly a giant jar brimming memories from his childhood. Nostalgia seeps into his being like the way air entered our lungs whenever we took a breath. It’s filling. It keeps you alive. The smell of rain reminded Donghyuck of the scratches he would get as a kid for slipping when he would play in the rain showers that frequented Jeju. It reminded him of the colds he used to get and how his mother would scold him for even thinking about running into the rain--yet dotes on him and serves him his favorite seafood soup. He distinctly remembered his best friend Jeno, who would always rush towards their house whenever he saw the first signs of rain, dragging Donghyuck outside to lay in the mud with him. The rain especially reminded him of his mud-covered clothes after playing with his friends, he remembers the slight sting of the rainwater whenever it dripped from his hair and accidentally on his eyes, and he loved it. 

Over the years, Donghyuck grew out of what he would now consider a childish habit, he preferred the warmth of his apartment over the thrill of the cold raindrops pattering against his sun-colored skin. He was always more of a sunny weather person anyway, he loved feeling the golden rays of the sun on his face. In addition to his childhood memories, he was also reminded of another thing--person--whenever it rained. 

Ever since moving into his apartment in his first semester of university, he would always notice a boy outside his window, down on the sidewalk. 

Grey was the day he first saw him. It was a mere three days since he moved in, cardboard boxes still littered the expanse of his hardwood floors, in his hands were the warmth that the cup ramyeon radiated, slurping sounds bounced off the empty walls as did the sounds of the pouring rain outside. His eyes followed the faint light emitted by the peeking sun through his window, the rain got weaker as he made his way toward it. To his surprise there was a boy sitting on the edge of the sidewalk. He looked around his age, but he looked like he had a smaller build than Donghyuck. He looked fragile, frail. The boy was wearing a grey windbreaker, the hood pulled up onto his head, and he was completely soaked. Donghyuck couldn’t help but stare, leaning upon his window, taking in yet another slurp of noodles and burning the roof of his mouth in the process. The boy looked like he had a lot to say. The grey aura surrounding him as grey as the clouds that covered the blue sky. Something about him felt sad--a deflated balloon is what Donghyuck would compare him to.

But there were days when he emitted the aura of a child. What once was grey was now yellow, just as the warm beams of the sun barely touched the tip of the tallest skyscraper in the city. The boy seemed to be running around and kicking the murky water that accumulated between the crevices of the pavement--just how you would a football that would soon land at the goalkeeper’s post--and the smile on the boy’s face would show that he hit the net. He scored. And it brought a smile on Donghyuck’s face too.

There were days where the boy emitted neither a grey or a yellow aura. There were days when he was just there. Neutral. He would be sitting in his usual spot with his usual grey windbreaker, letting the rain just fall on him. Donghyuck would often find it relaxing to look at him like that too. It was nice to see him without the furrow in his eyebrows, which Donghyuck would think was a sign of internal battle. Almost as if he was trying to defeat something, and Donghyuck was highly convinced that it was himself. 

It had been about a year since Donghyuck moved into his apartment, and the boy has been consistent throughout. Every single rainy day, he would be in the same spot, emitting whatever aura he felt like emitting that day. And it turned into a habit for Donghyuck to take a peek at the window whenever it did rain. The boy sparked curiosity in him. Donghyuck had a lot of questions but not once did he try to approach the boy. Looking at him was already enough to tell Donghyuck that he was invading someone’s privacy, but being the nosiest person in the world, he just had to take a little peek.

  
  


**-**

  
  


It was raining today. 

Donghyuck was startled by the sudden burst of raindrops from the sky. Whoever was up there was angry and the universe seemed startled. His hands travel up to his head to brush the strands of dyed brown hair off his face as he padded across the living room to his coat closet by the door, yanking a knitted sweater off a hanger. Donghyuck groans when the wooden hanger clanked against the floor, the sound echoing in his apartment. He decided to leave it, he was too sleep-deprived from the night before. 

He had been up all night trying to finish a paper that was due midnight. 

The beige material was soon pulled over his head, it smelled of his favorite fabric conditioner. He shivers still and uses his sweater paws to quickly close the window that was letting in too much of the cold rainy wind into his apartment. 

But his eyes catch sight of the boy as he did. 

He was sitting on the sidewalk still, but his knees were hugged up against his chest--which was a first. His small frame heaved and let out what seemed like a sob. Donghyuck started to feel the cold of the rain seep into him and into his bones, not just the cold feeling, but the darkest grey aura that the boy has ever emitted. Donghyuck’s eyes furrowed at the sight, his chest suddenly feeling heavy, as if being filled with the tears that fell out of the boy’s eyes. He wasn’t one to approach strangers that would sit on the sidewalk when it rained, especially in an untypical situation like this. But Donghyuck found himself grabbing a raincoat from his closet, making yet another hanger clank onto the floor. He pulls on a pair of rainboots he was going to use for the first time ever. They felt tight, but it had to do. 

His determination to get to the boy was overwhelming to him, he never felt this deeply about someone he didn’t even know. But he clutched his black umbrella even tighter and walked toward the boy currently sitting on the empty sidewalk, underneath the pouring rain. The boy doesn’t even notice Donghyuck when he stopped in front of him, directing the umbrella to shield the boy from the rain. 

Truth be told, Donghyuck didn’t know what he was doing either. He had no idea what would come out of the situation; yet here he is.

Donghyuck peers down at the boy who was now looking up at him, his swollen yet soft almond eyes staring into his rounder ones. His lips quivering, in an attempt to choke back his sobs. He looked even frailer up close, Donghyuck thought. If it weren’t for the rain, Donghyuck could’ve sworn this boy had the largest tear stains he’s ever seen in his life. He looked drained of life, and Donghyuck’s heart ached for him.

“Are you okay?” This was the only statement Donghyuck could say out loud, knowing he had to be careful around this stranger. 

The boy raised his eyebrows much to Donghyuck’s surprise. His expression was almost humorous despite the tears rolling down his face along with the raindrops that hit him. “I’m sorry, who are you?”

Donghyuck gulped back his initial embarrassment, he started to think that coming to see the boy was a mistake. 

“I’m Lee Donghyuck, I uh, live in the apartment complex there,” Donghyuck gestures to the building behind him. “I just, um, saw you crying in the rain and I just wanted to make sure you were alright.”

The boy laughs bitterly, ripping his gaze off Donghyuck and down to the ground. “ So I look  _ that  _ pathetic, huh?”

“No, I just-”

“It’s alright, I’m sorry, I’m just having a rough time,” The boy says, suddenly standing up and brushing himself off of the gravel that stuck to his wet clothes. “I’m Huang Renjun.”

Donghyuck remains quiet, his lips forming a tight-lipped smile at Renjun. He didn’t exactly know what to say. 

“You don’t have to worry about me, I just like sitting in the rain.”

“That’s kind of strange, don’t you think?”

“Trust me, I know.”

Donghyuck grows increasingly curious over this boy’s strange habit. “Would you like to enlighten me?”

Renjun shrugs, as if to say  _ what harm would it do when I’m talking to a complete stranger?  _ “We’re probably going to be here for a while.”

“I don’t mind.”

Donghyuck ended up sitting on the sidewalk with the boy he watched every rainy day for a year. It was a situation he never thought he would ever be in, yet here he was, sitting on the edge of the sidewalk, his umbrella discarded to the side, the gravel being slowly picked up by the wetness of his previously warm clothes. The drop of the raindrops provided them with their very own background music. Donghyuck shivered when a cool breeze rushed by them but he didn’t care. He was finally getting the answers to his year’s worth of questions. 

Renjun liked sitting in the rain because it reminded him of his childhood growing up in China. Specifically his hometown, Jilin. He loved playing in the rain just as Donghyuck did. He recalls how he loved playing with the kids in his block, kicking the questionably colored dark green puddle water at each other and playing tag underneath the pouring rain. Yangyang, his best friend, would always pull him toward the big puddles to talk to the little tadpoles swimming around in it. Making silly dialogues almost good enough to make it to broadway, the puddle being their own little stage. He loved the feeling of the raindrops hitting against his pale skin, soon turning his face up to meet the sky with his mouth wide open, trying to collect the rain water as it passed through the spaces between his missing teeth. Donghyuck laughed at that part but Renjun shushed him. He continued to tell him how much he missed being a child--playful, innocent. He didn’t know about any of the hardships that were about to be brought forth to him from this highly gracious universe. He wanted to go back to his childhood or whatever past he chased, but he couldn’t.

“Do you ever think about how life is just a string of moments that you take for granted most of the time?”

Donghyuck cocked his head to the side, turning to face Renjun better. “I don’t think I’ve ever thought of life like that.”

“You’re lucky,” Renjun turns his head to face Donghyuck too, a melancholic expression gracing his small face. “I sit in the rain to somehow bring me back the memories I know I’ll never get to have anymore. To somehow bring back all my best moments, to take back the things I know I regret doing.”

“You say that as if the world is going to end at any moment.”

“Hypothetically, Donghyuck, it could.”

  
  


**-**

  
  


Donghyuck went home that day with Renjun’s words echoing in his head. How can someone so young have that much grief toward life? Renjun’s tone was coated with something he couldn’t quite put his finger on, but it sure answered quite a few of the questions he had accumulated in his head. Nevertheless, he was still quite curious about him. Donghyuck just knew that Renjun didn’t tell him absolutely everything that caused him to sit in the rain like he always did, but he didn’t want to push it. He only had met the guy. 

Donghyuck did relate to him in a way. Renjun’s childhood reflected the childhood Donghyuck had. He knew he felt the longing that Renjun did, but he took it in the opposite route. Renjun looks back at his childhood with grief, as if something from it had died, forever faded away, and eventually forgotten. Grief is relentless, it digs up a hole inside of you and it never goes away, unless you find something to fill it in with, but it would never be the same. It was unlike the nostalgia Donghyuck typically felt when he encounters memories of his childhood. Nostalgia is warm and fuzzy, it is a breath of fresh air, something to combat the worries of the present. Renjun was undeniably bitter, and it gave Donghyuck a heavy feeling deep in his stomach, as if he was going to throw up at any given moment. He couldn’t possibly imagine living his life thinking that way.

He walks out of his bathroom after a shower, peering curiously over the window once again to see if Renjun was still there. But the sun shone brightly, the rain came to a halt, the petrichor overwhelming his senses. His gaze fixated on the empty sidewalk. Renjun probably went home. Donghyuck sighs at the sight, what did the universe bring about to this boy to have him feel this way?

When Donghyuck thought that he thought of Renjun a lot before, he had another thing coming at him after having met him. 

The frail boy was so helpless that Donghyuck couldn’t help but care. He would stay up at night, his limbs spilling off the edge of his bed along with his duvet. He would look up at his dark ceiling and think that  _ that  _ was probably what Renjun felt. Just void, unending, dark. Thousands of possibilities of what Renjun could be going through entered Donghyuck’s mind. Maybe he was depressed? Someone close to him died? Or was he just downright sad? 

Whatever it was, Donghyuck was determined to help.

Weeks passed, but not a single drop of rain fell from the sky, much to Donghyuck’s dismay. He carried on with his normal routine as a sophomore in university. Meeting up with Mark, a fellow music major, at a cafe they frequented before walking to university together. Donghyuck had told Mark a bunch of times about Renjun, but Mark was not so fond of him trying to help a boy he barely even knew. He heavily opposed, claiming that he watched too many Netflix documentaries to not know what was going on. 

“He could be a serial killer for all we know.”

Donghyuck never listened to Mark though, knowing that he was the epitome of a worrywart. Hell, he worries about his apartment keys even when he carries them in his fist at all times. 

The brown-haired boy anxiously waited for the rain, he anxiously waited to see Renjun again, even with no idea in his head on how to help this troubled boy. But if he was being really honest, he just wanted to spend time with him. Thoughts of sitting down once again with Renjun plagued Donghyuck’s mind. He strongly decided that he wasn’t letting Renjun sit there alone again, Donghyuck was going to be there, and Donghyuck would make sure that everything was okay. Nothing would hurt Renjun anymore. It was quite the strong conviction for a stranger. 

It reminded him of how his friendship with Jeno started. 

Rainy was the first day of middle school. Donghyuck was still groggy as he walked up the rain-coated steps of his school, his eyelids felt like they had boulders weighted on them. He silently resented the way his mother obnoxiously woke him up at four in the morning to attend school at six. His backpack added to the weight he felt that morning. Walking down the long hallway toward his classroom, all the doors were open. Rowdy middle schoolers filled each one. Donghyuck couldn’t fathom the fact that they had that type of energy this early in the morning. They all seemed like a bunch of excited puppies who were let out of their cage for the first time in their lives--except they weren’t cute, Donghyuck noted. Twelve-year old Donghyuck found his open classroom at the end of the hall, on the right. As expected, his class was rowdy--no--they were actually the rowdiest. Donghyuck wouldn’t care most of the time and would even join them, but this particular morning, he was still too hung up on summer vacation, and the feeling of wet socks annoyed him more than anything. 

His tired eyes scanned the room for a desk to sit at, preferably somewhere that isn’t loitered with lip tint obsessed gossip girls or pre-pubescent boys (not to say that he isn’t one, but Donghyuck wasn’t up to entertaining their boisterous nature that morning). He finds a boy being cornered by one of the two windows that occupied the far wall of the room. The boy looked terrified out of his mind, his eyes held anxiety, a fearful premonition encapsulated in them. Not knowing when the next strike of their words would come. Donghyuck noted that the boy looked new and he looked like a puppy as he cowered like one. 

No second thoughts ran through Donghyuck’s mind when he shoved one of the bullies away from the terrified puppy-like boy. Donghyuck couldn’t quite remember, but he remembered yelling at them, and his early morning rage helped with the overall effect, especially when he threatened to tell on them. They soon left the boy alone, who breathed a sigh of relief.

“Are you new around here?”

The puppy-like boy directed his gaze to the ground before nodding his head toward it, his hands still clutching tightly onto the bag straps that were wrapped around his shoulders. Donghyuck’s eyes softened at him, he didn’t even get the chance to sit yet.

“Hey, you don’t have to be scared anymore. I shooed them away,” Donghyuck placed a hand on the slightly taller boy’s shoulder, the thick fabric of their school blazer felt smooth under his palm. The boy looks up at him and Donghyuck gives him a welcoming smile.

“I’m Lee Donghyuck, by the way.”

The boy’s gaze softens at Donghyuck as well. His face slowly relaxed as he let himself smile at the boy who just protected him from the bullies. “I’m Lee Jeno.”

From that day on, they were inseparable. And they were still friends, even when they’ve gone their separate ways to their dream universities. 

  
  


**-**

  
  


The sound of a sudden gush of rain from the sky and onto the pavement startled Donghyuck awake. He didn’t bother to check what time it was, he immediately kicked the duvet off his body, the cold air wrapped around him almost instantly but he paid it no mind and pulled his raincoat out of the coat closet. He pulled on his too-tight boots and debated for a minute or two on whether to bring his umbrella but eventually decided that he won’t. He knew it was going to become a nuisance to what he wanted to do with Renjun today. 

“What brings you here?” A familiar voice sounds from behind Donghyuck. He whips around immediately to be met with Renjun’s confused face. His hands were in the pockets of his usual grey windbreaker, he was already drenched, and so was Donghyuck.

Donghyuck gives Renjun a friendly smile and holds his hand out. “I want you to trust me for today.”

“Who are you?  _ Aladdin _ ?”

Renjun eyes the extended arm that was directed at him, following it down to the expanse of Donghyuck’s palm and back up to his face. His expression was both amused and surprised. And Donghyuck sure hopes that this was in a pleasant way.

“You could be a serial killer for all I know.”  _ Oh, the irony of this statement.  _

“But I’m not.”

Renjun’s lips slowly started to curl at the thrill of the situation, and so did Donghyuck. His heart beating a little bit faster than usual when Renjun’s smaller hand clasped his extended one.

“I trust you.”

And just like that, Donghyuck pulled him out of the boring block of apartment complexes and into the city. Threading through the people littering the streets. They were given disapproving glances for their childlike behavior, but neither one of them cared. Donghyuck would turn his head to check on the boy who was following every direction he went, his eyes making contact with his. Renjun’s eyes encapsulated the crystal-like features of a still raindrop, it was like looking at new constellations that were uniquely Renjun, and Donghyuck liked that. He liked it a lot.

Donghyuck soon led them to the city park, it’s vast green expanse was empty, they had the whole space to themselves. It was almost a lush oasis in the middle of a desert--in the middle of a concrete jungle in this case.

“I have no idea why you stayed on that sidewalk to sit in the rain when you could’ve come here instead,” Donghyuck lightheartedly jokes, starting to jog into the open space, his boots making squishy noises when it came in contact with the wet soil.

“That’s because I-” Renjun hesitates. 

Donghyuck stops in his tracks to wait for Renjun’s continuation.

“I can’t think of an excuse, I’m just being pretty emo back there.”

Donghyuck’s eyes once again softens at him. “Well, we’re here now. We can kick into all the puddles we want here, plus, the ground is much more comfortable to sit on than the sidewalk don’t you think?”

Renjun lets out a heavy, shaky breath before meeting Donghyuck’s gaze and smiling. “Yeah.”

The pair spent the entire day the way both their childhoods played out. They sang, they laughed, they kicked into the puddles, they would throw mud at each other. Both were absolutely drenched in both the rain and its brown ground counterpart but neither of them brought themselves to care. As far as Donghyuck was concerned, the city was theirs for a day. And it would be for all the rainy days that were to come. 

Donghyuck loved seeing Renjun be so carefree. It was a stark contrast to the boy he would see outside his window prior to meeting him. Today, he gave off the brightest yellow aura he’s ever had. Renjun was doing more than just scoring imaginary football goals with puddles, he was running around an actual grass field, and in this football field, he scored every single time. And he scored all of them with Donghyuck.

He witnessed Renjun’s black hair fly with the wind with every leaping step he took, he witnessed Renjun laugh at his silly jokes until his stomach hurt, he witnessed Renjun tackle him to the ground whenever he said something cheeky, he witnessed Renjun in a new light. He was no longer the fragile boy who came to sit on the sidewalk whenever it rained. Today, he was simply Huang Renjun. A carefree, playful Huang Renjun. 

Soon they would find themselves laying on the grass, letting the remnants of the rain fall onto their faces, their eyes blinking at the sun peeking into the clouds. 

“I want to tell you one of the things on my bucket list,” Renjun starts.

“Go shoot.”

Renjun hums. “I would like to kiss the sun.”

“To kiss the sun?” Donghyuck raises his eyebrow at the smaller boy on his left, propping himself up onto his elbow.

Renjun’s eyes remained stuck to the sky, his mouth forming a close-lipped smile as he thought more about his bucket list item. 

“Yeah,” He confirms.

“But won’t you burn your lips off?”

"Probably."

"Is that even possible?"

Renjun simply shrugs. “Probably.”

Gone were the days where Donghyuck had to peek through the barriers that are his windows to go see Renjun whenever the universe decided to bless them with sky water; in were the days he developed a routine to go meet his rain boy. Raincoat, boots, omit the umbrella, down the flight of stairs, out of the lobby, and down onto the sidewalk. The petrichor would once again wrap itself around Donghyuck’s senses, signalling that his rain boy was coming by soon. Donghyuck would soon clutch Renjun’s hand in his and they would speed off into destiny, and they would go wherever the wind would take them. 

Their adventures would go from the park, to an alleyway that they found where they figured was the best place for puddles (the damaged pavement made enough room for the rainwater to accumulate in large masses, in big numbers), they would take the subway and end up in Incheon where they would look for places to let their energy out in. The rain gave them life, and they lived their rainy days as if they were children. Donghyuck often wondered why he actually enjoyed every single second he spent under the rain when he usually would never even think of leaving the confines of his warm apartment whenever it did. Rainy days used to consist of oversized sweaters and his favorite cup ramyeon. Now his rainy days consisted of mud, puddles, and Renjun. 

“Want to play with tadpoles?”

“I’m sorry what?”

“Did I stutter?” Renjun raises an eyebrow at the confused boy. “Come on it’s going to be fun.”

Donghyuck finds himself following through with this strange request, soon positioned in a squat next to Renjun, right in front of the pond they found in the park at Incheon. His eyes followed the movements of the tiny tadpoles amidst the heavy fall of the raindrops onto the green-ish water’s surface. It was peaceful almost. But that was until Renjun started talking.

A weird gruff voice sounded from Renjun, a stark contrast to his usual smooth voice. “You think you can handle me?”

“Excuse me, what?” Donghyuck stifles a laugh before feeling a sharp smack on his shoulder.

“You have to play along for it to work, dumbass.”

“What in the world are we playing though?”

Renjun points a skinny finger into the pond, pointing at two specific tadpoles, their heads bumping into each other as they resembled fighting buffalos. “See how they look like they’re fighting? I call dibs on the right one.”

Donghyuck directs his attention onto the tadpoles, noticing a big difference in size. “That’s no fair, the right one’s bigger.”

“Survival of the fittest, Donghyuck.”

“The smaller one suits you better.”

“Just because I’m smaller than you doesn’t mean that’s true,” Renjun huffs.

“But that would be more realistic,” Donghyuck answers back at the boy.

“Please, I could take you down in a heartbeat.”

“Try me.”

Renjun lunged forward to put his hands onto Donghyuck’s shoulders, the bigger boy knocked out of his balance out of surprise. His heartbeat erratic when his back suddenly hits the wet ground.

“I told you so,” Renjun sings, a smile spreading across his face as he went back to his seating position.

Donghyuck quickly sits up from his position, casting a glare at Renjun. “I just wasn’t ready.”

“Sure, you weren’t  _ Mister try-me. _ ”

The brown-haired boy’s face softens and turns into a smile as he listens to Renjun’s laughter and chants of victory. He liked this.

  
  


**-**

  
  


Donghyuck never would have thought that he would smile at the fact that he was sniffling from a cold after a particularly long rainy day when it would remind him of the recent memories he made with Renjun. 

“That’s an unhealthy habit, you know,” Jeno states, using his straw to mix his smoothie, trying to get the bits of strawberry that were at the bottom of his cup.

Donghyuck huffs, leaning back against his chair. “Don’t you think I know that?”

“Seeing that your face is the most swollen I’ve ever seen, and your nose is still running from your little rainy escapade last week, I don’t think so.”

“Stop being a smartass.”

“Said by the smartest ass himself.”

Donghyuck laughs lightly at his best friend. He knew him inside out.

“But seriously though, I’m getting pretty worried about you.”

“There’s nothing to be worried about, Jeno-ya,” Donghyuck starts. “I’m doing great, and if anything, I’ve been doing better than I’ve probably ever been.”

Jeno chuckles lightly before taking another sip from his smoothie. “If I didn’t know any better, I would think you’re falling in love with this Renjun guy.”

“We’re just friends, and I just wanted to help him, that’s all.”

“I don’t think friends would only meet on rainy days, Hyuck,” Jeno snorts, looking at an almost bewildered Donghyuck across him. “It sounds so scandalous, like you guys are Romeo and Juliet or something.”

“It just so happens to be our thing, okay?”

Jeno holds his hand up in defense. “I’m just saying.”

“So shut up and drink your smoothie.”

“No,  _ you  _ shut up and think about where your relationship with this boy is going.”

It’s safe to say that Donghyuck didn’t get a wink of sleep that night.

Playing Jeno’s words over and over in his mind like a broken record had him confused. As if he was in a maze except there was no way out unless he dug a hole through one of the walls. And it didn’t help that he started thinking about how he actually felt toward Renjun.

Truth be told, Donghyuck never wanted to think about it. He just wanted to bask in the childhood they lived every single time they went out to venture the rain. Deep in his gut, he knew better than to overcomplicate his feelings for Renjun. 

Donghyuck simply wanted to  _ feel  _ whenever he was with Renjun. Physically feel the rain, to feel the waft of wind seep into his soaked clothes, to feel the grass underneath his toes whenever he chose to take his boots off, to feel the rainwater overflow inside his boots, to feel Renjun’s smaller hand in his, to feel the weight of the smaller boy against his arm whenever he pulled them somewhere else. 

Donghyuck loved feeling the nostalgia whenever the heavy raindrops pattered against his sun-colored skin, the way his heart would beat a little faster when he would start smelling the petrichor, when Renjun would look back at him as he was running with the biggest smile plastered on his face, or when Renjun laid next to him a little closer than usual.

Donghyuck often thinks if Renjun changed the way he viewed his past ever since they started spending time together. 

If he still saw his childhood full of regret, despite reliving them in the rain with the sunny boy who approached him randomly on the sidewalk. Donghyuck would like to think that Renjun would now look at his childhood with the same nostalgic manner he did with his. To think of his actions as a stepping point to wherever he was now, his wrong words a lesson to be learned, and his childhood a thing that can never be brought back but he can always relive. And whenever he did want to, Donghyuck would be there to hold his hand and they would venture the rain together. 

  
  


**-**

  
  


Today, the rain came harder than other days. And it came a month after their last meeting.

But that didn’t stop the pair from meeting and deciding that they would stay in the park that day. 

Donghyuck allowed himself to stare a little longer at Renjun today. Renjun looked paler, but he immediately pulled his usual grey hood when Donghyuck pointed it out, he looked skinnier, he felt skinnier too. His warm hand was bonier, and it grasped onto Donghyuck’s a little looser than how it used to. Donghyuck decided not to ask Renjun about it, still a little confused about where they stand together as friends. 

Donghyuck sighed into the wind as he watched Renjun twirl in the rain, his arms sticking up to the sky, his face calm and serene even with the heavy rainfall that poured down on it. He looked beautiful, Donghyuck thinks. Even when his cheekbones protrude more than usual, his eyes a little sunken, he was still the same Renjun. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Donghyuck almost yells, as the volume of the rainfall was a little more intense today. 

Renjun simply smiles, almost faltering, but smiles nonetheless. “I just haven’t been getting enough sleep, Hyuck. I’m fine.”

“I don’t think I find that really convincing,” Donghyuck hums. “Maybe we should go home-”

“No,” Renjun cuts him off. 

“I don’t want to.”

Renjun’s tone surprised Donghyuck a little. It was full of conviction, he  _ didn’t  _ want to go home.

“Let’s just enjoy today, okay?” Renjun says a little softer. “Who knows when the next rainfall will be?”

“You’re talking as if the world is going to end again,” Donghyuck points out.

“Hypothetically, Donghyuck, it could,” Renjun echoes the words he told Donghyuck on their first meeting. 

The pair left the conversation open, running off onto the grass again, with the intention of kicking into the puddles again, with the intention to be childlike again. Donghyuck decided to brush away his initial worries with Renjun, pretending not to notice the little limp in Renjun’s steps. He knew better than to bring it up again. Renjun wanted to have fun today and Donghyuck wanted to give him just that. It didn’t matter even when the rain struck a little too hard that the heavy raindrops bore weight on their bodies. It didn’t matter if they woke up sick the next day and had to drag themselves to school. They lived in the present, where the past is still significant, and the future is predictable yet uncertain.

And Donghyuck wanted to make something of their present.

“Renjun-ah.”

The smaller boy turns around to meet Donghyuck’s gaze. 

“Would you like to, um, dance?” Donghyuck laughs nervously. “You know, with me?”

Renjun’s small face held a mischievous look at the sudden suggestion. “In the middle of the park?”

“Right here.”

Donghyuck takes a few steps closer to Renjun, his hands settling on the smaller boy’s hips after guiding his arms around his neck. Goosebumps immediately made themselves known when Renjun’s skin came in contact with Donghyuck’s. 

Renjun peered up into Donghyuck’s eyes with the same constellations once compared his irises to. Donghyuck’s heartbeat started ringing in his ears as he held Renjun closer, their chests touching, Renjun’s arms lazily draped around his neck. They start swaying to the beat of a song that somehow only they knew. A secret song between them and the rain. 

Donghyuck couldn’t help but smile to himself when Renjun buried his face into the crook of his neck, feeling his soft hair around his jaw.

“Is this okay?” Renjun faintly whispers into the taller boy’s neck.

“Yes, perfectly so,” Donghyuck nuzzles his nose into Renjun’s wet hair. It smelled of men’s shampoo and the rain. He inhales deeply and continues to sway with Renjun. He never wanted this to end. This moment would forever be imprinted in his brain, the first time he has ever held someone this close, the first time he felt that overwhelmed with the feeling he carried with a person that he had to act upon it, the first time his heart beat a little differently. 

The rain poured down on them with every step they took, the ground making squishy sounds underneath them. They fed off of the warmth of each other, breaths started moving slower and the adrenaline of their earlier activities soon vanished. Moments like this feel like everything and nothing, all at once. 

One particular step they took took place on a slippery part of the park, Renjun’s feet tangling up with each other which ended with him on the ground, Donghyuck underneath him, and their faces mere inches apart. 

Donghyuck’s eyes widened at the proximity that Renjun was within, as if they weren’t pretty intimate a few moments before that. Renjun’s eyes widened too, his hands landing on Donghyuck’s chest to prop himself up.

“Gosh, I’m sorry-” Renjun was cut off when Donghyuck pulled him back down.

Donghyuck didn’t care what would come out of his actions. He knew he just wanted to do this, at least for once. And that’s when he pressed his lips against Renjun’s.

Renjun's lips were as cold as the rain, but it spread warmth to Donghyuck's cheeks, and all the way down his chest where the boy laid. Lips moved against each other in a soft and gentle dance, tongues ever so slightly grazing against each other, the heat of the moment encapsulating them in their own little bubble. Donghyuck inhaled deeply once again, taking in this moment, his moment with his Renjun.

They pull away and stare into each other’s eyes, the rain slowly weakening, soon transforming into a light drizzle. Renjun flashes a smile that Donghyuck returned immediately. 

“Do you want to stay here for a while? Even when the rain stops?”

_ How could I say no to you?, _ Donghyuck thinks.

"Yes.”

They strolled along the park, calmly, unlike their usual activities. Their hands brushing against each other every now and then, sending tingles throughout Donghyuck. Donghyuck actually found this relaxing, his heart continuously beating at a normal rate with Renjun for once. No thrill for adventure, just the thrill of being together. Donghyuck didn’t mind that people were staring at them weirdly as they were drenched from the previous rainfall.

“I’ve told you about my childhood when we first met. I didn’t realize I know practically nothing about you, Donghyuck,” Renjun laughs lightly. “All we do is… well, play.”

Donghyuck lets out a dramatic sigh, his head tilting back a little to emphasize his joke. “It took you a while.”

His arm was soon met with a playful smack, to which he just laughs.

“Shut up and just tell me about yourself.”

“Well, I’m Lee Donghyuck, I’m twenty years old, and I study music at university.”

Renjun stays quiet, waiting for more.

“I’m originally from Jeju, and just like you, I loved playing in the rain but my mom would scold my ass every time I did,” Donghyuck chuckles fondly at the memory. “I quickly grew out of it though, when I started high school I just preferred staying in. And that carried on for a while until I saw you crying on the sidewalk.”

“Why did you approach me, by the way?” Renjun asks, curiosity thick in his tone. “I mean, isn’t it weird to come up to a stranger crying in the rain?”

“I think it gets weirder when I admit to you that I’ve actually been watching you for a year whenever it rained.”

Renjun visibly stiffens at this statement. “You have?”

“I swear I’m not a stalker or anything, I just noticed you every time it rained and I just…” Donghyuck trails off. “Genuinely wanted to see if you were okay.”

“You’re the first one, you know?”

“What do you mean?”

Renjun stops in his tracks to turn to fully look at the taller boy. His expression almost gratified. Donghyuck stops too, mirroring Renjun’s actions.

“No one ever approached me like you did before, and to be honest, I wanted at least one person to. I was really lost for a while, but you went above and beyond. You helped me a lot, more than you’ll ever know.”

Blood rushed up to Donghyuck’s cheeks, his lips forming a bashful smile. “Is that a thank you?”

“It’s whatever you want it to be,” Renjun smiles up at him. “Also, mind if I run to the bathroom real quick?”

“Sure.”

After Renjun’s little trip to the restroom, the pair walked back to the sidewalk in front of Donghyuck’s apartment after reluctantly convincing themselves that they were going to catch the biggest cold of their lives if they were to walk around any longer. They evidently took their time, neither of them wanting this to end. They matched their footsteps to the pace of a slow song, their hands continuously brushing against each other. Blue was the sky for the first time that they were together. Donghyuck’s eyes mindlessly closed when he felt the warm sun rays touch his face, thinking that it was perfect. Everything in that moment was perfect. 

Their careful steps soon came to a halt when they touched the familiar pavement of the sidewalk, the feeling of its water-filled crevices under their feet.

“So…” Donghyuck shyly starts, scratching the back of his neck. “See you next time?”

Renjun smiles, the curve of his lips not quite reaching his eyes and his eyes glinting an emotion Donghyuck couldn’t put his finger on, leaning over to plant a kiss on Donghyuck’s flushed cheek much to the taller boy’s surprise. “See you next time.”

“But before that I have something to give you.”

Donghyuck raises his eyebrows at Renjun when the smaller boy starts unzipping his grey windbreaker, peeling the drenched fabric off his arms to reveal his white shirt underneath, and folding it a bit before presenting it before Donghyuck.

“What?”

“I’m giving this to you.”

“But why?”

“Think of it as a gift, you know, for being with me all this time.”

“Are you sure this isn’t your only jacket? I’ve seen you wear this every single time I saw you,” Donghyuck lightly jokes. “But seriously though, I can’t possibly accept this.”

“Please? This is the only thing I have on me right now,” Renjun insists, giving Donghyuck the best puppy eyes he could muster. "It's rude not to accept this just so you know."

_ How could I say no to you?,  _ Donghyuck repeats in his mind.

He sighs and grabs hold of the grey fabric, he smiles at Renjun. “Thank you.”

Donghyuck goes home that day with the lingering memory of a smiling Renjun in his mind. And he couldn’t wait for the next rainfall to see him again.

**-**

“You kissed him?!” Jeno exclaims, alerting the attention of most people sitting near them.

“Yes I did, now keep it down,” Donghyuck hisses at Jeno then turning to give an apologetic nod to the people Jeno disturbed. 

“What happened to  _ Mister I-just-wanted-to-help-him _ ?”

“I’m still here to help him, it’s just,” Donghyuck sighs. “It’s just different now.”

“How so?”

“I feel like I skipped some parts of my life until I met Renjun,” Donghyuck starts. “Like I invested too much of my personal time into university that I never noticed all these fleeting moments pass by me.”

“Like what?”

“Remember when you asked me to go to this party but I was too hung up on failing my music theory test that I sulked for almost a week? Or when I missed my mom’s birthday because I couldn’t be bothered to come home because I had a paper due when I literally could’ve passed it if I brought my laptop to Jeju?”

Jeno takes a sip of his banana smoothie. “Yeah, I remember that.”

“I think Renjun helped me realize things like that, and I can’t stop thinking about him all the time, especially after that kiss. It’s slowly driving me insane, Jeno-ya.”

“I would normally tease you for this but I think you should ask him out, you know, to sort your feelings out,” Jeno replies. “And not in the rain this time.”

“That’s actually not such a bad idea.”

“What would you do without me?” Jeno pokes playfully at Donghyuck.

Donghyuck laughs heartily. “I don’t know either.” And he meant it.

  
  


**-**

  
  


Donghyuck yet again spent his time waiting for the rain, dragging himself through university and constantly thinking about what to tell Renjun. Was he supposed to tell Renjun that he liked him before asking him on a date? Should he just ask him to hang out? What if Renjun rejects his offer? What would that make of them? It was a good thing classes distracted him a little from the storm that was forming in his mind. He had piles of papers to finish, a practical exam, and a recital by the end of the year.

“Why don’t you just invite him to your recital? That wouldn’t be too weird,” Mark suggests.

It surprised Donghyuck when Mark started warming up to the thought of Renjun when he was extremely apprehensive about him in the beginning. Even suggesting his presence at Donghyuck’s most awaited recital. 

The plates made a loud noise when Donghyuck deposited them into the sink, his body flinching at the vibrations it sent into the air, but was soon ignored when he decided to plop onto his sofa to watch Netflix. Donghyuck couldn’t be bothered to do anything today, feeling physically heavy on this particular day. He couldn’t bring himself to think about Renjun, even a month after they last met. But he would often find himself entranced with the windbreaker Renjun gave him. It was laying on a dining chair to dry, not touched since the last rainfall. 

The grey in the limp fabric represented the day Donghyuck first found Renjun. The day the rain fell a little harder, and a little louder in his once empty apartment.

Who knew they would’ve ended up like this? With Donghyuck being unsure of their relationship to the point of his supposed insanity. He wasn’t sure what he wanted out of their assumed friendship, but he knew he wanted  _ something.  _

Deep in the crevices of Donghyuck’s hyperactive mind, he knew he wanted something to click when he invited Renjun to his recital. He wanted to see his small pale face sitting in the audience and listening to him sing, to see if his constellation eyes would sparkle the same way. 

Donghyuck knew he was anxious to meet Renjun again, even a small shadow cast by a large cloud in the sky would have his heart beating out of his chest. He’s never felt this nervous for, well, anything. 

But at the same time he wanted to push through to be able to see Renjun without the presence of the rain. His thoughts darted toward scenarios he wanted to happen if Renjun agreed to go to his recital. (A) They could go to a cafe after, (B) they could go for drinks, (C) Donghyuck would finally invite him over to his apartment. 

All of which would be ideal to Donghyuck. Anything that involved Renjun honestly would be.

  
  


**-**

  
  


The rain came in the form of a drizzle today. 

And Donghyuck went through the motions of his routine to meet Renjun. Except for his raincoat, he opted to wear the windbreaker instead.

His nervousness got better, but it still sat in the back of his head as he pushed the door to exit his warm apartment. His feet lead him through the familiar path he took, all the way to a specific side on the sidewalk, in front of the forming puddle, on top of the particularly big crack on the pavement. It usually would take around a minute or two for Renjun to arrive.

And so he pulled the hood up onto his dyed brown curls, and waited. 

And he waited.

And he waited.

And he  _ waited. _

The rain went from a drizzle, to heavy rainfall, then back to a drizzle. Almost an hour passed, yet no sign of Renjun. 

Donghyuck’s initial sense of nervousness was soon replaced by a feeling of anxiousness.  _ Would Renjun ghost him like this?  _

His anxiousness soon went away and the feeling disappointment dawned on him as the light drizzle of rain showered over him. Pattering sounds against his windbreaker. The windbreaker Renjun gave him. 

Donghyuck releases a weak sigh when the rain comes to a halt, his heart sinking further. The hole in his chest widened at Renjun who didn’t come to him in the rain for the first time. 

“Maybe he got caught up with something,” Donghyuck softly whispers to himself, trying to convince himself that Renjun probably didn’t mean to stand him up. 

Peering up at the sky, Donghyuck could already see the sun peeking through the once grey clouds. The rays were starting to hit his face. It would have comforted him if it wasn’t for a presence lacking. He took this as a signal to get back to his apartment, with all his disappointment and anxiety.

Walking into his apartment dripping wet from the rain without the thrill from being with Renjun emanating from his body was a strange feeling. The scent of the apartment barely gave him any sense of security when he knew for a fact that Renjun might’ve run away with it. 

The screech against the wood floor bounced against the walls of Donghyuck’s apartment when he pulled one of his white chairs from under the dining table. His head felt heavy when he lowered his body onto the plastic surface, the coat of rain around him somehow weighing him down even more. But as he sat down, a wrinkling sound erupted from one of the pockets of his windbreaker, the sound resonating louder as it grazed the surface of the chair.

Donghyuck’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, his hands immediately travelling toward the zipper-sealed right pocket. Underneath his fingertips he felt some plastic, pulling it out to reveal a little plastic bag, sealed on the top, with a folded piece of paper sitting inside it. 

Possibilities drove by Donghyuck’s mind as he unfolded the piece of paper, discarding the damp plastic bag onto the floor.

The paper was littered with semi-messy handwriting, the lines resembling noodles created by black ink. And Donghyuck started reading.

_ Hey :) _

_ It's Renjun if you're wondering, and I can't believe I'm actually writing this right now. I'm sorry if you waited for me in the rain, I'm sorry if I won't be able to come next time like how I always say (whatever the case is when you read this). I'm sorry for keeping this a secret from you even when I knew it was unfair. _

_ I'm actually dying--I'm sick. I was able to survive a couple of months since stopping chemo, but I don't know if I would still be alive when you read this.  _

_ If I don't end up meeting you at the sidewalk... I'm probably, you know, dead.  _

_ I didn't want to leave you hanging or anything so here I am writing this letter to you. To let you know how thankful I am for you, for everything. I'd like to think that you're the reincarnation of the sun, you were warm, bright, everything that I'm not. I'm probably the reincarnation of the rain, gloomy, dark. But we work pretty good together, don't you think? I was honestly the most bitter bitch on this earth before I met you (as you already know). I was too hung up on the fact that I was sick, I was so desperate to turn back time, I was so afraid. I didn't want to die, I wanted to hold onto the memories as much as I could. So I turned to the rain.  _

_ I always thought that death is a dark place, your soul just floating around the universe with all the other souls, you won't bring any memories with you, just feelings of familiarity and uncertainty. I didn't want that. I wanted to remember what my mom's voice sounded like, to know what it felt like to be in my home, to have that warm fuzzy feeling whenever someone I loved held me. It honestly got worse when I met you.  _

_ I didn't wanna leave and forget you. I still don't. You were the warm rays of sunshine when I was left in the rain. I didn't want to forget the way my heart beats when I'm with you, the little butterflies in my stomach whenever you turn to smile at me, the excitement I felt every time the sky darkened because I knew I was going to see you soon. I don't want to forget you.You made my most painful days bearable, I completely forget about my shallow heartbeat or the dull ache in the pit of my stomach.  _

_ But these days, I've been slowly coming to terms with the idea of death. It's inevitable anyway, everyone eventually dies. You've helped me relive my past, appreciate my present, and to prepare for the future, however short that may be for me. And I will be forever thankful for that. You've helped more than you can ever imagine.  _

_ The only regret I'm having is the short amount of time we had together. I just hope that the universe will give us a better chance next time. I would like to get to know you more, go on dates with you, to meet you even when it wasn't raining, to explore the world with you, grow old with you. I would go anywhere with you, I would trust you wherever you would lead me. But I'm still grateful for whatever time I spent with you :) _

_ All I'm asking is that you don't forget me or our memories together. Every single moment I spent with you shined, and you made all the last moments of my life worth living. I will carry this feeling with me, along with its uncertainty, for all the lives I'll get to live in hopes of spending at least another one of them with you.  _

_ I feel like the only thing I could do was to get rained on with you, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. _

_ I guess this is a see you next time? Goodbye is too sad :( _

_ The random boy you found in the rain, _

_ Renjun _

_ P.S. Thank you for helping me with my bucket list item. I got to kiss the sun today :) _

  
  


**-**

  
  


Petrichor.

It was still one of Donghyuck’s favorite scents, but it would still linger in his heart with the feeling he had when he was with Renjun. His sweet rain boy Renjun.

He still remembered the way his hands trembled with Renjun’s letter clasped in them, the way his heart caved at the fact that he was never going to see him again. 

  
  


Not even a second of sleep came to him that night, when his eyes closed, tears overflowed from them, mimicking the heavy raindrops whenever they would meet. 

He was merely a shell of a man for a few weeks, dragging himself out of bed, pulling on whatever was closest to him to go to class. Donghyuck often had to force a smile whenever he was with Mark or Jeno, or pretend that he was busy to avoid confrontation with any of his friends. But that was until Jeno visited Donghyuck’s apartment out of worry. 

“What’s gotten into you?” Jeno softly asks, his eyebrows furrowed as he looked into Donghyuck’s welled up eyes.

Donghyuck only sobs, and Jeno gladly held him for the night, his shirt thoroughly wetted through the boy’s tears. His heart aching as if someone stole a part of it and never gave it back, and that person would also never come back.

As the years passed by, Donghyuck decided to block out the memories of Renjun, despite Renjun’s request for him not to. The grey windbreaker soon found its home at the very back of Donghyuck’s closet, the letter folded in the same way it was found, right in its pocket. He still hasn’t had it in him to clasp the thin paper in his hands to be met with the black scribbles that once made him a zombie. Its effects were still lingering, as if slapping a bandaid onto a dirty wound and expecting it to heal without an infection. 

The wounds almost reopened at a single text notification once. Around the second semester of his third year in university.

_ Hey, is this Lee Donghyuck’s number? _ _  
_ _ I’m Liu Yangyang, Renjun’s friend. _

Donghyuck’s heart dropped knowing that Yangyang was Renjun’s best friend. The same friend he talked to tadpoles with in Jilin, the same friend who also once played with him in the rain. 

_ Hi, yes, this is Lee Donghyuck. _ _  
_ _ What’s up? _

_ Thank god, it took me a while to find you. :) _ _  
_ _ I heard a lot about you from Renjun. _ _  
_ _ I don’t know if you’re interested but would you  _ _  
_ _ like to know where he’s laid? _

The rain echoed in Donghyuck’s apartment as he packed up his remaining belongings into the last few boxes. His apartment was already mostly empty and it made him feel empty too. His senior year passed a lot quicker than the other years he spent in university, his graduation felt like it had only been days since he started his last year. 

He decided to go back home to Jeju for a while before eventually coming back to Seoul to look for a job. But he didn’t want to think about that yet. 

Yangyang’s last text message contained the cemetery where Renjun was at, and it was left unanswered by Donghyuck. He still didn’t want to reopen those wounds. The wounds left by a boy he didn’t even know that much, but somehow, he also did.

Donghyuck couldn’t help but peer outside his window, and down onto the sidewalk. 

The deep crevices where once puddles would form were topped off with a layer of cement, the sidewalk looking much nicer than it did before. And it hurt Donghyuck to see it, his heart feeling the familiar twinge of pain. 

He missed Renjun.

He missed him endlessly.

And he knew he wouldn’t want to leave Seoul without saying goodbye.

A breath of courage was taken by Donghyuck before he grabbed the estranged windbreaker from the back of his closet and pulled it on over his black shirt. It smelled heavily of dust but it didn’t faze him one bit. His boots fit him even tighter than he remembered. He decided not to bring an umbrella, just like how he usually did when he was going to meet Renjun, but that was technically what he was doing.

The rain fell onto him heavily as he trudged his way through the busy people littering the streets, his hand shoved into the pocket that contained the letter, clutching onto it tightly. His breathing was heavy, his heartbeat picking up speed, much like the first time he pulled Renjun through the very same streets he was walking.

Soon enough he felt the familiar squish of soil underneath his boots. But he wasn’t at the park this time, he was at a cemetery.

Another grey day dawned over Donghyuck as his feet stopped in front of a particular gravestone. It was placed pretty far back into a corner of the cemetery, near an old tree.

_ Huang Renjun _ _  
_ _ March 23, 2000 - September 18, 2020 _ _  
_ _ “Cursed is the fool who’s willing.” _

Donghyuck crouched down to sit onto the grass, right next to the stone. “I’m sorry it took me a while.”

The wet ground felt cold against his jeans, his--Renjun’s--windbreaker not doing much to combat the heavy rainfall.

“You just really took me off guard with your letter, and the whole situation I guess.”

The brown haired boy turns to face the stone again, his heart desperate for assurance that Renjun was actually listening to him. “I miss you.” 

“I miss the way you would kick mud at me, or call me dumb when I couldn’t get whatever you were saying.”

The heavy rainfall weighed on his heart when he was met with silence. He was met with the fact that he would never hear Renjun laugh again, or hear another one of his snarky comments. 

“I’m thankful I got to help you. You told me in your letter that you struggled a lot because you were sick,” Donghyuck trails off. “I truly am honored that I was somehow of assistance to you.”

“You don’t have to apologize to me for not telling me about this. I wouldn’t think it’s something you would tell a stranger anyway.”

“But a warning would have sufficed I guess,” Donghyuck joked at the stagnant stone.

“If only I knew that was the last moments we would have together, I would have held you tighter, I would have made you laugh more, I would have taken you somewhere farther, I would have-”

Donghyuck sighs. “There’s no point in that now though.”

“I was mad for a while I think, that you didn’t tell me. I sulked for months, you asshole,” Donghyuck admits.

“I’m sorry I tried forgetting you even when you told me not to, I just, I just didn’t know how to cope. Especially with our predicament, I seriously didn’t know how to react. I didn’t even know where to ask when I thought of coming to your funeral.”

"In a way I'm happy that you're not in pain anymore, it could've turned out another way with you alive and healthy but this is how life works right? In its own small way, our little world hypothetically ended just like you always said. "

"The rain will forever remind me of you now.”

“It’s pretty funny we’re meeting in the rain like this once again. This would probably be the last time in a while though. I’m going home to Jeju so I hope you don’t miss me too much.”

Donghyuck looks fondly at Renjun’s epitaph, engraved into the stone in an elegant cursive font. It was mocking almost. A reminder that there was an ironic beauty in death, but it gave the living a dark void beyond them to think about.

“Cursed is the fool who’s willing, huh?” Donghyuck laughs almost bitterly.

“He’s cursed indeed.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Check out doieagenda's fics too she's a very talented writer :)  
> Thanks for reading!


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